Thursday, January 26, 2017

THE Resident Evil Series Review aka Ace vs. Paul W.S. Anderson

This review covers the entire Resident Evil Movie Series just in time for Resident Evil The Final Chapter.

Resident Evil (2002) Rated R 1hr 40mins

Resident Evil Apocalypse Rated R 1hr 38mins

Resident Evil Extinction Rated R 1hr 34mins

Resident Evil Afterlife Rated R 1hr 37mins

Resident Evil Retribution Rated R 1hr 36mins

My god watching all of these movies was at times epic but mostly a chore mainly because the plot is absolute feces.  But you have to understand that I grew up on the original Resident Evil games long before the movies.

When I was 11 and 12 years old this game was my life.  So I had very high expectations for these movies.  Let's begin the journey with the Sci Fi Channel Hall of Fame inductee.....
"My name is Alice and-" Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa WHOA WTF who the hell is Alice? Oh yeah this is a movie that takes place in the Resident Evil universe not a movie of the games which already have a great storyline.  So we meet Alice who has the power to avoid scenes of nudity even when she falls asleep in the shower in her R-Rated horror film.  This is actually a good movie  I can't lie it has an unraveling mystery, passable action scenes nothing too exciting but it really does a great job of building suspense.  
As long as you are ok with not seeing these guys 
You may be able to enjoy this movie.  2002's Resident Evil as a stand alone movie is not horribly offensive its not scary either.  It does have a lot of Resident Evilism's like the underground trains and laboratory as settings.  I REALLY REALLY hated Alice/Milla Jovovich's footwork for her Roundhouse kick it is the worst karate kick ever.  The issue is exacerbated by the fact that her kicks are more effective and deadly than the bullets from the character's guns!  The cast is atrocious all of them are forgettable zombie bait except for Michelle Rodriguez she stands out by playing the same character she always plays although keep in mind these were the movies were she developed The Michelle Rodriguez character.   Re watch this movie for warm memories and for the absolutely awesome ending.  This movie is a 7 out of 10 its worth a place in any movie collection.  It did help kick off the zombie wave of movies and TV that currently plagues us today.  The spoilers begin after this...






The ending to this movie is absolutely epic they hint at the villain for the next movie.  Alice wakes up in the actual setting of Resident Evil 3: Nemesis the best Resident Evil game ever.  For a fan of the games this ending guaranteed that every RE Fan would be seeing this next piece of crap I'm going to jump into I put the Spoiler Alert because I'm going to spoil these goofy movies.  Trust me this is not a series where the spoilers will hurt your overall enjoyment and if they do IDK man screw you then. 

Resident Evil Apocalypse is the sequel and it starts off pretty bad with a TV Show recap of the last movie and a total rehash of the final scene.  But it does connect the games to the movies unfortunately, director Paul WS Anderson pounds his "Creative outlook" onto fans of the original series.  This movie marks the beginning of an epic nose dive.  So after the idiotic recap scene and then the replay of the great ending of the last movie and Alice introducing herself to the audience again like we give a damn about her life or something.  Seriously WTF Alice no one came to see you and your goofy roundhouse kicks. we get to see Jill Valentine a character from the actual series! 
The parts with Jill going through parts from the amazing Resident Evil 3: Nemesis are awesome and had me and other fans of the series like 

YEAH!!!!!!!!!! PAUL WS IS THA GOAT MOVIE DIRECTOR ITS ON NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were wrong we were all so wrong......
In a great scene pulled from straight from the game.  Jill and some Zombie Bait no name actors  I call these guys Zombie Bait because they suck at killing zombies they suck at everything and you know they will be dead soon.  I actually hoped they would die because Jill does everything by herself for the most part. Back to it Jill and some the others are wandering around a creepy church, a Licker, one of the monsters to make WS Andersen's cut into the movies from the game is stalking them and then Alice busts in on a motorcycle doing Machine Gun Gymnastics and looking like an absolute Cheese Ball the entire time.  From there we all knew the truth Alice is the main character and from that moment I hoped her character would cease to exist in this movie series.  Mike Epps is also introduced as the comic relief and he is actually very funny but the problem is Resident Evil isn't about comedy its about people fighting monsters so him being a comedian in the movie is just plain dumb.  Before the series begins its nose dive we get introduced to the Legendary OG Resident Evil Villain The Nemesis! 

The Nemesis is a bad mofo, a giant mutated zombie with a Rocket Launcher programmed to kill the S.T.A.R.S Deep breath So the movie mentions this but since the S.T.A.R.S. The actual main characters of the game BTW it stands for Special Tactics and Rescue Service are basically a bunch of unknown bench players in this universe because their involvement in the series is glossed over and viewers aren't even encouraged to give a crap about it.  
Just know the Nemesis in the game is a sick nasty monster who rips people in half with his tentacles and blows things up with his rocket launcher.  When you encounter the Nemesis in the game you have two choices.
FIGHT or RUN
Every time I fought the Nemesis he killed me unless it was a scene that you had to temporarily battle him.  Even in those scenes you had to blow him up with an intricate trap or run him over with a freaking freight train.  

Did I mention that Alice is also one of the Nemesis' programmed targets all of a sudden?  So obviously Alice is the one who battles him.  Spoiler it sucks and ends with her surviving an RPG at close range by hiding in a plastic dumpster.  My god, even people in Michael Bay movies dodge rockets and at least run away from the explosions but we are dealing with Paul WS Andersen who is obviously such a Simp for his wife that he made her invincible in these movies.  Your probably saying "Hold up Ace your biased! Its not like the T-Virus that turns people into Zombies and is used to make the monsters in the film makes Alice into a super human" WRONG Alice has "Special Genes" and the T-Virus turns her into some sort of super human with completely unexplained Plot Powers ripped straight from The Matrix but covered in a fondue fountain of extreme cheesyness that makes me sick to my stomach.

Before I get into the atrocity of Alice vs. Nemesis let me talk about the one scene that is pretty awesome but still very VERY dumb.  So our heroes wander into a graveyard during the zombie apocalypse They are a bunch of morons always keep that in mind when you watch this movie they are a bunch of freaking idiots. They proceed to be surprised by zombies coming out of the ground and attacking them and then they engage in a scene of Zombie Kung-Fu.  This scene is so moronic yet very entertaining they start beating the dog piss out of these zombies, hitting 3-pieces with biscuits, Stone Cold Stunners, DDTs, piledrivers, Super man punches, leg sweeps, Kamehamehas, Figure Four Leg-Locks, Pedigrees, headbutts, Crippler Crossfaces and Angle Slams. No really they kick the living dead crap out of the zombies in the graveyard it is awesome.  This scene is the last good one.

We get a quick side story about the little girl Sherry Birkin and her father William Burkin who are from the second game Resident Evil 2 and while they are almost true to their characters it is an overall waste of time because this movie isn't brave enough to do it justice.  You already know for a fact that Sherry Birkin will not get eaten it just annoys me when WS Anderson takes a part of the plot and makes it so useless.  Sherry doesn't get eaten in the game she survives and is portrayed as herself and still has the same importance that she does in the game but of all the things to keep intact this is the only one the director felt should be basically untampered with!? With Super Alice on the team they would have been better off saying that she can sense where the cure for the virus is and let her turn into a Super Scientist and mix up the chemicals in a lab or something.  Because the Sherri Burkin scenes have no suspense at all.  William Burkin, her father is supposed to turn into a monster on par with the Nemesis but he just ends up dead.  Yeah WS Anderson followed up with the Sherry Birkin part of the storyline perfectly and then took out the dramatic, epic and actually horrifying portion of her storyline by having her father be a good guy who does a heroic sacrifice instead of turning himself into a monster. Then again why would the viewer give a damn about these two when they only appear for like 10 minutes anyway?  OK here we go

Alice vs. Nemesis
The movie begins to wind down and reach its climax after a very stupid scene with Alice running down a building and taking out a Swat Team of bad guys which would have been cool if they had a shoot out or you know the characters fought some of the other monsters from the game The way she takes them out is by sneaking up on them using her unexplained Plot Powers.  It sucks.  But they all get captured by the bad guys anyway and the head bad guy who is a random dude in a suit I don't think he even has a name tells Alice she has to go 1-on-1 with The Nemesis in a fist fight/crow bar sword fight.  


This is the scene where WS Anderson basically said to all Resident Evil Fans "I got your money this is my show screw your favorite characters!"

Alice and The Nemesis proceed to have one of the worst Final Showdowns ever.  Alice hits her Round House Kick.  They kind of brawl a little bit.  Nemesis is boxing with her.  Nemesis barely gets the advantage over Milla Jovovich's skinny super model figure'd self.  Its tragic its pretty much confirmation of the director's creative bankruptcy.  Like I mentioned before beating the Nemesis in the game you have to blow him up, hit him with a train, shoot him with assault rifles and then here is a big spoiler for the game the way that Jill Valentine actually kills The Nemesis is with an experimental Rail Gun that basically functions as a giant laser cannon.  In this movie Jill doesn't even fight the Nemesis.  Its unforgivable. WS Anderson decides that he is M.Night Shamalan all of the sudden and WHAT A TWIST Nemesis is actually the dude she fell in love from the first movie.  Why she fell in love with this dude in the first movie we have no idea he was kind of a big fat vagina the whole time but anyway they decide to team up and beat up the bad guys. The heartless killing machine monster turns into a good guy give me a freaking break.  Nemesis dies and this movie seems to be in fast forward mode because all of this happens in about 20 minutes including WS Andersen's next WHAT A TWIST moment when the helicopter they escape in crashes and blows up.  Alice survives DUH and this won't be her last plane crash either.  WHAT A TWIST everyone survives and Alice has psychic powers and they all get into a black SUV dressed as secret agents.  I wish I was joking.  


I left the theater pretty pissed off.  This movie starts off great and then it jumps off a cliff.  
This movie is 4 Badly Choreographed Final Showdowns on The Roof of a Heliport out of 10 

Watch this movie expecting LOLs and you may rate it as a 6 out of 10 on the LOL This is Trash Scale.  

Some how.Some How. Some How. SOME HOW!SOME HOW
The next movie is even worse.

Trust me Resident Evil Extinction made me wish the movies went Extinct.  

This movie is a train wreck.  Its what happens when you give a bad director a higher budget than he started with.  Yes the budget is higher but the quality is significantly lower.  
We start off with a gigantic time jump, narration by exposition by my favorite main character Alice, no explanation about the characters in the last movie dressing up as Umbrella Agents and escaping in an SUV.  Basically WS Andersen hit RE Fans who were dumb enough to pay to see this crap again with a heartbreaking Clotheline From Hell 
Resident Evil fans are Austin Aries landing on his neck in the gif above.  If you liked the last film get ready for more dumb crap and vague Resident Evil game references!  At this point WS Andersen's influence had reached Capcom and they released Resident Evil 5 which was an action shooting game instead of the usual spooky, atmospheric fright fest.  Yes this director's style actually infiltrated the  source material and made it suck too.  The series is just now getting back to its roots for Resident Evil 7.

Where to start?

The entire world is overrun with zombies and most of it has become a desert or the Southern Hemisphere is a desert or something unexplained like that.  Why would the rise of zombies effect the weather of the whole world? Ask the genius director.  Alice is just walking through the wasteland by herself doing the usual Round House Kicks.  She actually kills a normal person with the RHK and it still looks as goofy as ever.  Actually let me leave Alice alone for a second because OH YAY  we have another cast of Zombie Bait.  In a pleasant surprise Claire Redfield the protagonist of the second game is here.  Surprisingly her storyline from the game is kept intact she's looking for her brother Chris Redfield and she's already survived fighting zombies before so naturally that makes her the leader of her group of Zombie Bait.  Then there is R & B singer Ashanti, whose characters name is Nurse Betty luckily she doesn't plague us for too long and ends doing what Zombie Bait does.  Mike Epps is back he is the Zombie Bait MVP at this point he is the Steph Curry of useless characters in a movie.  Carlos Oliviera is back I didn't mention him in my review of Apocalypse because he is the character from the game but his whole storyline and purpose is washed out.  He's just Zombie Bait with a bigger gun.  Honestly I think he was added as the replacement for the other dude from the first movie.  But then we meet the worst character ever.  A character so horribly written, performed and conceptualized it makes me wonder what was the point?  

Get ready for the character named K-Mart.  Yes her name is K-Mart.  K-Mart.  Its supposed to be funny.  
I can't just let it slide how WORTHLESS 
This movie's supporting cast is.  The average non-RE Fan doesn't know who Claire is.  They would if Chris Redfield had been in the original or sequel movies or at least mentioned.  Ashanti's career was pretty much over by the time this came out.  Mike Epps, like I said he's the MVP of these no names and probably has a bigger fanbase than all of these actors combined.   K-Mart is horrible in every sense of the word just a horrible character.  Also added to the cast is Sir Jorah Mormont from Game of Thrones.  I can't believe they dragged the homie into this mess.  He does what he can with the script and actually explains why Alice is a super powered cheese ball.  Keeping with the tradition of WS Andersen making one character exactly how they are from the games we are treated to Albert Wesker the villain of the series both games and films for the record.  The guy who plays Wesker does a good job but its not hard to play Wesker, hes a guy who wears shades and is never not calm so that's an easy paycheck still props to him for bringing Wesker to life.  

The reason that this movie was able to make 45 Million dollars is due to the fact that the action is great.  All of the dumb stuff aside this movie has the best action of the 3.  Yall know I love the gun play and we get some good sniper rifle action, bombs, machine guns and Alice gives us a break from her horrendous kicks and slices zombies up with some dual wielded knives.  Alice even uses some unexplained psychic force field powers to destroy some zombie crows and it looks pretty awesome.  The action is good in this movie except for when Sir Jorah Mormont from Game of Thrones turns himself into a monster and Alice kills him.  Yeah that part was lame.  But the action is this movie's one good thing.  The action had a more frantic chaotic feel than the previous two.  It feels like the characters are fighting out of desperation to survive.  Two of them even have to heroically sacrifice themselves for the survival of the others.  Even though you don't feel a connection to them the scenes were they sacrifice themselves make sense and really do the subtitle Extinction justice because they give their lives so that the group can go on.  I can applaud that.  Although when the scene is over everyone goes back to sucking again but what ever.  I think my view on the heroic sacrifices might be slightly skewed because all of the zombie movies after these can make a viewer numb to it.

The main problem with this movie is Alice.  At this point it has been established that they are following their own script they have skipped past all of the games they are no longer in Capcom's Resident Evil.  So the director should be trying at this point to make the viewer care about the protagonist.  Here lies the problem in the 1st two movies they spent so much time jumping from action to exposition to action back to exposition to comedy to action back to comedy that they forgot to make us care about the main character.  We have no backstory on Alice all we know is she was working for the bad guys, got knocked out in the shower, woke up as The Chosen One with super powers and has a tendency to stumble into the right places at the right times and find the right stuff and do the right accidental stuff to accidentally survive to the next movie.  There is no redemption, no payoff, nothing to look forward to all that the viewer knows is Alice has survived so many explosions and zombie battles that she has become boring to watch.  I'm surprised the movie didn't end with Alice running across the planet at lighting speed until the Earth rotated backwards and time rewinded itself to when everything was normal.  Alice is a mysterious character with no backstory.  Viewers learn more about Jason Bourne in one movie than they do about Alice in three!  

One more very important thing before I go tell you how this movie ends and get to the next movie. 

Alice/Milla Jovovich or her stunt double.  I keep getting mixed reports on whether its Milla or a double but whoever is throwing that terrible round house kick is a bum.  The kick is slow, it looks easy to dodge, it isn't sudden and in this movie universe it is more impactful and powerful than a gunshot.  It has nothing to do with gender because the one that Black Widow/Scarlette Johansson does looks painful.  Carrie Ann-Moss as Trinity makes it look devastating.  Zhang Ziyi is an actual martial artist and all of her moves look deadly, Michelle Rodriguez can pull it off, obviously Gina Carono and Ronda Rousey can throw'em so its not a gender issue its a "The Director doesn't have the guts nor does he give a damn" issue.  Alice/Milla's hand to hand offense is embarrassingly goofy because she does it so freaking SLOW her punches and kicks have no impact even with special effects and sounds it just ends up looking so goofy.  It wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't such a huge part of what she does.  If her whole thing was something like she has detailed knowledge of where to hit the zombies to immobilize them that would be acceptable but she just SLOWLY hits them with a spinning kick and it is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall over! I think Nemesis is the only character to take 2 round house kicks of death.
This movie ends with Alice finding an army of clones of herself that she is obviously going to use to battle the bad guys and zombies in the next movie.  So basically Alice is Neo from the Matrix AND Agent Smith at the same time.  Paul WS Andersen once again reminds us that his Creative Bankruptcy has no limits to the depths it can fall to.

Aside from the action scenes this is a worthless movie 2 pieces of Zombie Bait out of 10

Its more fun to skip Extinction and go straight to Afterlife that way it looks like Alice and her friends from the second movie drove off in their SUV and then you get the opening to this movie......
 If you're watching for the LOLs or watching a Sci-Fi Channel marathon then you might be able to trick your brain into rating this a 4 "Wow this movie is entertaining in a WTF is happening sort of way" out of 10.  I would not recommend buying this piece of crap on DVD unless you need a coaster with a cool picture on it.  My personal favorite cool picture coaster is Smokin Aces 2 though.



So this is Resident Evil Afterlife.  By now they should have renamed this series The Woman With The Iron Feet or The Immortal Alice because there is not much Resident Evil stuff here.  We start off with a series recap and a scene in Tokyo with zombies doing zombie stuff and a secret underground base blah blah blah its a bunch of bullocks that should have happened in the last movie anyway.  It does feature an awesome Bassnectar song called Hexes.  That song is awesome this opening scene is a solid stool of feces being shoved out of Paul WS Andersen's butthole.  
Alice and her army of clones are attacking the Umbrella Corporation's base as a unit.  How the clones  got new clothes, in fact matching new clothes, guns, knives, swords, bombs and a very good hair dresser is beyond me.  Thats why I said you might as well skip Extinction and go from Apocalypse to Afterlife because then you can rationalize that maybe when the characters hopped in their SUV Alice mastered her powers and figured out how to bend reality or something because this is just so riDONKulious at this point.  After Milla Jovovich finishes doing her impression of Trinity, Neo and Agent Smith all in one 7 minute scene Wesker gives her an injection that takes away her powers.  Then they both get blown up in a plane crash.  It really felt like I was watching the end of a really well done sci-fi movie.  If there had been one hundred and fifty minutes of well done build up leading up to that scene WOW this would have been sweet but its not so yeah.  Anyway they both get blown up in a plane crash.  Alice has no powers but SOME HOW survives.  This is an R-Rated movie and she doesn't even have blood on her freaking face.  No she is actually fresh faced with a new costume because in the zombie apocalypse the fetish sex shops and Hot Topic actually have an everything must go fire sale.  I suppose its not out of the realm of possibility that Alice really really wants to look hot during the zombie apocalypse.  I'm not mad I just think its dumb.  Claire Redfield returns and she doesn't remember anything because she was brainwashed by this robotic bug thing.  Then they crash another plane and meet the new crew of Zombie Bait.  Im not even going to go into detail because this crew of Zombie Bait is slightly redeemable because my favorite character in the series Chris Redfield is with them.  O Wait WTF. Chris Redfield is actually locked in a cage as a prisoner? Claire has memory loss so she doesn't recognize her brother.  They don't see each other for a while yeah its stupid.  To a non Resident Evil fan probably most of yall reading this you probably don't even remember Claire saying I was looking for my brother or remember her last name is Redfield.  Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine are the protagonist's of the first game they found out all about the zombies and stuff all of that is mentioned in the movies but it isn't very important to the overall plot.  The other Zombie Bait are one of the guys from Sons of Anarchy who is so obviously a bad guy here you wonder why they wouldn't just shoot him.  The others ahh screw'em they all die anyway.  The action is passable nothing you haven't seen in the last few movies except for one part that made me jump out of my chair in excitement.  Before that though I gotta point out that  WS Andersen files for Creative Bankruptcy for a 3rd time when he shamelessly rips off of the series Resident Evil's rival game series Silent Hill which weirdly enough has movies that are better than this because they stick to the game's plot by ripping off of the Pyramid Head character to make his own giant weapon wielding monster.  

This is WS Andersen's guy

This is Pyramid Head.  But we are treated to a scene of absolute glory when Alice goes to hit the Round House Kick of Slow Yet Dominant Obliteration and IT DOESN'T WORK!  Milla J does a great job of looking surprised when it doesn't work which is a nice touch.

I cheered I was happy.  The movie gets pretty good from here we get Alice, Chris and Claire working together, fighting monsters blowing stuff up its all fast paced and in close quarters and they look like they are fighting to survive it looks the way a Resident Evil movie should look.  The action is great in this movie and the Las Plagas zombies from Resident Evil 4 stop by for a quick appearance too.  This movie is actually pretty good until K-Mart shows up again and they save her first like she's some sort of extremely important character.  The ending battle is silly and it does hurt the enjoyment but I have to say this is not a bad movie.  5 Pleasant Surprises out of 10 I wouldn't recommend you go out and cop it this instant but it is a passable action movie with some Resident Evil stuff thrown in.


So here we are five movies in Milla and WS Andersen at this point have made out like bandits from this series and they decide that its time to give the actual Resident Evil fans an apology for the treachery and bamboozalism they inflicted on us for the 10 years before this movie.  Yes this film plays out like a thank you card from them to us.  Retribution begins with an undeniably epic intro scene that accomplishes everything it needs to for the story.  Sienna Guillory is back as Jill Valentine and she is a bad guy being controlled by one of the weird bug robot things from the last movie.  At least she's in the movie is all I could say at this point.  Alice is captured by Umbrella for the 3rd time.  She has a weird dream sequence that I actually cannot hate on, berate or criticize because it gives us all an actual reason to root for The Immortal Alice.  Yes WS Andersen actually decided to add some depth to Milla J's character in this movie when she has a young deaf daughter who she is desperately trying to save from the zombies.  The scene where she is protecting her daughter is heart wrenching and it made me actually CARE about the character!!!!! Yes it took six movies but WS Andersen finally figured out what the scene of his first movie should have been.  Suddenly she is a dramatic figure who I can look back through the movies and say "Wow she was kicking the freaking soul out of those zombies to save her daughter" it makes her determination to survive this apocalypse suddenly so much more believable.  It makes the seemingly inhuman Alice into a much deeper and almost lovable character.  In the last five movies before this scene Alice's backstory was a secret agent working for the bad guys who obviously had killed people before who lost her memory and turned kind of good.  Now i feel like she has a purpose.  All of her super powers just made her a vehicle to deliver us to the next scene.  Hell I was rooting for the cast from the games more than I did Alice as you probably figured out by now but after that scene I genuinely wanted Alice and her kid to escape.  Its all very heart warming until WS Andersen hits us with the swerve!


It turns out that this isn't the actual Alice's daughter its one of her many many clone's daughters.  Although wouldn't an army of clones of you technically be your own daughters any way?  Is this the daughter of the real Alice and we've been watching a clone since the 3rd or 4th movie? We've seen Alice die so many times.  It just sucks that with the intent of making the movie an ambigious sci-fi mind bender, on top of already being a sci-fi/horror comedy series that they inadvertently made the only bit of character development this character has ever had in the grand scheme of things not even matter.  But at this point 5 movies deep I can absolve this movie of its sins.........NO! Screw that I cannot absolve this movie and series of its stupid decisions but I can give credit where it is due.  This movie is a Thank You card from a guy who obviously didn't play the games and he seemed to really be trying his best to please the fans he pimped out for 10 years.  So for that I will explain this the best way that I can.  

Alice is in a security training facility that is underground it has simulated levels and monsters that are actually real.  She meets up with a group of good guys who are all of the awesome characters from the games.  Leon Kennedy, Barry Burton and his gigantic Magnum Revolver HELL YES, Ada Wong and Zombie Bait 6th Man of The Year Boris Kojoe as the dude who survived the last movie.  Ok aside from Boris they really did bring the All-Star line up for this movie.  As I said Jill Valentine is a bad guy along with Michelle Rodriguez who flip flops between good and bad but is ultimately a villain along with Carlos from the second movie who is also bad.  Basically this movie is The Matrix with Resident Evil Stuff in it.  As a side note Alice and Jill are wearing the best costumes ever worn by a main character and main villain I likes it very much indeed But this movie becomes a string of action scenes that are ultimately well paced but completely mindless they fight an orgy of monsters, there are twists and turns all over the place.  Seeing this movie in 3D was crazy but watching it on my giant TV was awesome too.  The script for this movie literally reads like BAM BAM BAM, RELOAD, *EXPLOSION* KARATE KICK, POWERBOMB, get in a car.  BAM BAM BAM, Shoot stuff, blow stuff up, save this character.  Basically mindless fun.  Alice doesn't have her powers but does it really matter? She is an expert zombie killer and she has 3 other experts on her team and they convincingly defeat the monsters without making it look too easy.  This one felt much closer to the later games and spin-off games where the atmospheric horror, the feeling of dread, the need to save ammunition and the fear that something is stalking you or waiting around corner is replaced with the need to buy a Monster Energy drink so your eyeballs can keep up with the amount of monsters rushing you in waves.  The action is non-stop and it really recaptures the feeling from the last movie's opening sequence where it feels like the end of a really good sci-fi action movie.  Even the heroic sacrifice is awesome and unpredictable.  I must applaude the director for making sure that Leon Kennedy, Barry Burton and Ada all felt like important characters they weren't presented as zombie bait, even in the opening credits they had special titles.  Their outfits were also directly lifted from the games major props to the guy who payed Leon Kennedy he brought that character to life.  
The movie ends with a very silly final battle.  Its silly because how many final battles can you do with Alice in different one on one or tag-team matches?  This time she fights Michelle Rodriguez and Jill Valentine.  Jill Valentine is rescued Michelle Rodriguez dies DUH she always dies
Then they go to Wesker the main villain who is now a good guy he gives Alice her powers back and says they have to stop The Red Queen the villain of the first movie......Once and for all!!!!

Which means this movie was basically a training exercise and demo for the special effects of the upcoming Resident Evil: The Final Chapter. 

This movie is a Firm 5 out of 10 because it feels like the sequel to the first movie that we should have gotten to begin with.  I would recommend everybody see this once in their life when it comes on the Sci-Fi Channel or buy it when it cost you the price of a gas station malt liquor beverage and is in the value bin at an off brand store.  It isn't bad, its just a lot of style with a fake substance because its plot is ludicrous.  

I give the 5 Resident Evil Movies a Series Score of 4 out of 5.  I will be reviewing The Final Chapter.  But so far to this point it seems like a foregone conclusion that the heroes will prevail.  There isn't much of a world to save since the world has been destroyed since the 3rd movie, the heroes already failed.  I just don't see the final chapter being much different from Retribution as in an all out action packed ride with little substance or explanation.  I fully expect Alice to visit the locations from the game and for a bunch of RE Tribute stuff to happen which is cool but it took 15 years to get it right.

Would I Recommend This Series? No. Wait until Sci-Fi Channel runs this marathon next year.

Got something to say? Holla at me in the comments.  Because I found this series extremely disappointing.



I love this gif

Ight Peace.








Thursday, November 24, 2016

Allow me to reintroduce myself

BACK FROM THE GRAVE

You already know who it is its The Black Hulk Hogan

The White D Wade 

The more in shape Kevin James but sorta something like Lebron James
AKA The one who watches a wack movie and feels pain.  Yeah it's me Ace Michaels you might know me by another name and if you do put some RESPEKT on it.  I was gone a for a minute but I had to resurface from my secret hideout to inform the people about these movies before you mess around and buy  a $60 Blu-Ray coaster for your $1.47 black can 211 malt liquor.  Even a downloaded movie that has to be entered into the Recycle bin dunk contest is a waste.
The most effective way to utilize my expertise for a movie you haven't watched is to read the opening preview and then watch the movie.  BUT I'm gonna keep it real if you are like me and you like to read while you take a dump or are stuck in a boring place just jump into one of my reviews and enjoy it.  I do spoil the movies but I always mark for spoilers.  Understand this I keep it real in these reviews, I don't like romantic comedies, animated comedies and time wasting BS movies.  I'm tryna see people get punched through walls, wigs getting split, dudes busting out with the 50 round drum and wetting everybody up if you needed a review for The Notebook or Titanic consider this blog a restricted area and dip on out of here.  





Tuesday, May 10, 2016

RocknRolla ReviewNRolla

Rock N Rolla (2008) Rated R, 114 Minutes



Before I even get started it is imperative that I let you know
















Yes there are “Levels to this stuff” as Meek Mill put it so eloquently.
Rock N Rolla is a crime comedy movie that delivers style and substance and a freaking sweet soundtrack (no Meek Milly Mills is not on the movie soundtrack the music here is much much MUCH better than his) This movie takes the viewer to all the different levels of London's underground world of crime and connects them all with a mysterious lucky painting. Don't worry Guy Ritchie doesn't go all Monuments Men on you with tons and tons of works of art but it does keep you on your toes because the dialogue is witty and very very European and there is not a damn thing wrong with that.

There are three sides to this story first, there is the extremely wealthy but also extremely gangsta Lenny Cole and his top goon Archie who are on the greazy side of the real estate industry in London. Then there's The Wild Bunch a group of mid level thugs who are in the business of being British gangstas and finally there is The Rockstar himself Johnny Quid who is kind of doing his own thing but hes still involved in everything going on and when he shows up you always get an awesome song. Each group has their own set of side characters as well. All three of these groups intersect with each other due to their entangled alliances but there is enough tea, crumpets, cigarettes, glasses of whiskey and fascinating dialogue to go around.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooh! Hold up wait a minute let me put some
   in it!

This movie is as stylish as it gets but it has a great story to go with it. Like I said earlier it is really about a missing painting but there is so much more to it. The dialogue is so engaging especially for an American because the actors say some hilarious phrases that I have adopted into my own daily language like “ Bon Voyage and Fuck Off!” (Which means 'Please go away sir') In case you didn't know the UK is freaking awesome and they also don't allow civilians to legally carry firearms. Not to get off topic but it makes perfect sense and if the US could adopt a similar policy maybe we wouldn't have such a problem with looney toon mofos shooting up random places? But enough of my liberal hippy mumbling and grumbling. I said all of this because in one scene The Wild Bunch rob two accountants (not to be confused with The Accountant who is played by the super sexy Thandie Newton in this movie) for 7 million dollars in a comedic scene that has no violence what so ever. The guys ask “Is this a robbery?” and The Wild Bunch members say “Yep hand over the keys and the cash”
That scene sets up an awesome action sequence later in the movie but the style in this movie is so different from most and with the comedic backdrop it all makes sense that these wealthy business men would have goons to do the dirty work. As the movie goes on you can feel the Pulp Fiction influence all over and its done in a way that doesn't scream rip-off, but the similarities are not subtle you have a dark haired woman with an attitude? Check. A charismatic black guy and a charismatic white guy working for a mob boss? Check and a very important item that we never get to see but all the characters marvel at it when they do? Triple Check. That said this movie doesn't re-invent the wheel but it does make the wheel into a really cool looking wheel from a foreign country. Enough metaphors, much like Pulp Fiction there is top-notch character development, lots of goofy conversations and explanations but again its all done in a way that isn't annoying or overly done you will wonder why some information is being given but it all pans out. There is a fair amount of homosexual humor but its all pretty tasteful and not over done and thankfully no human hotdogs all up in my TV screen grill.
After a really goofy dance scene between Thandie Newton & Gerard Butler (more Pulp Fiction influence) the second act of the movie ramps up the intensity and urgency when The Wild Bunch has to pull off another 7 million dollar robbery and this time there is 7 million dollars worth of security as their should have been the first time. The fight scene between The Wild Bunch and The Russian Hit men is awesome they brawl, they go all old school WWF and smash each other with weapons they bleed everywhere and then they bring out the machine guns. The song that plays during this scene is awesome too if your like me it will find its way into your workout mix ASAP.

But the problem is we get a lot of tough talk throughout the movie and not enough ass whippin for my taste the battle between The Hit men and The Wild Bunch is near the end and the final showdown is a bit underwhelming. The twists in this movie are great but it is more of a comedy movie than action which loses points with me because its not like Guy Ritchie can't direct an action scene it just feels like the biggest showdown happened before the conclusion when we should have gotten an epic rematch where they finish the fight. In fact the unkillable henchmen who survive a car crash, multiple machine gun shots at close range and getting the snot kicked out of them are killed off screen. This wouldn't be a problem but when we see them in the epic fight they take all of these shots and keep on coming just to die off screen from gun shots. Its just anti-climatic and that is the only problem I have with this film its very anti-climatic in the end. With all the great dialogue and entangling alliances I was begging the movie not to end and it just kind of ends with a few silent pistol head shots. They do hint at a sequel and I would pay to see it in theaters immediately Guy Ritchie has apparently already written the script so wheres it at man!? Anyway find this movie and watch it IDK if its a good date movie because I can't associate with women who want to watch crappy movies in my presence but its an awesome movie and pretty much a cult classic.

Overall I give this 8 Perfectly Executed Back Hand Slaps out of 10

Maybe one day I'll get to go across the pond for a bit of crack myself.
(Crack means fun in England, you bloody wankers)   

   

Sunday, April 24, 2016

The Usual Suspects (1995) Rated R, 1 Hour 48 Minutes

Aight yall lets get straight to it but 1st

WARNING! This movie is extremely Gangsta if your veins pump straight up sugary kool-aid packets go on ahead and pop this one out of your DVD player because this movie is off the chain with it.

Right off the bat we start off in the action things are blowing up, the musical score is booming in your ear and a dude who we meet a few minutes later gets capped off screen (Maybe?) The Usual Suspects introduces the viewer to the main characters and puts you in the action with Kevin Spacey narrating.
 Five known crooks are rounded up by the Po-po for questioning about a truck full of gun parts that was hijacked in Queens, New York. (Already so Gangsta) No one gives anything up because they all know the cardinal rule of the streets: Snitches Get Stitches. This mystery/crime/action hybrid has 3 mysteries being unraveled at once

1st Who hijacked the truck full of guns?

2nd Who blew up the boat and killed a bunch of people in the beginning of the movie?

3rd Who the hell is Keyser Soze and why is everybody saying his name so much?

All of these mysteries are solved in about 100 minutes of well written dialogue, flashbacks and epic unpredictable action. The movie is an orgasm of goodness you won't be able to guess who did what or why or when or where. This a film you have to see multiple times and even if you know the answer to Mystery #3 (Because of Amy Schumer's enormously loud mouth in that movie about her being a sex addict) there is still so much more to this movie. Let me just say before I dive into the next section, watch this movie, then watch it again and marvel at its greatness because you won't catch everything the first time. This movie is absolutely brilliant. Ok let me put on my flippers, snorkel and goggles real quick.

Because it is time for......

and in case you don't know what that means


(YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)
Aight lets get comfortable we in the Spoiler Zone now.

This movie has the type of dialogue that can only be described as BAMF (Look it up). Me personally I don't need a love story in my movies and this movie accommodates me perfectly. Straight up the two love interests have the best dialogue ever

Female Love Interest: I love you

Male Love Interest: Smokes Cigarette........uh what?

She plays a bigger part later but for the most part that's it with all the lovey dovey cute and cudely bubbley stuff. These guys get locked up, let out and rob some dirty cops real quick as a big fat F-U to the police that jammed them up. The characters in this movie avoid the crappy stereotypes of the usual movies 1st we have Todd Hockney a mechanic who is good with explosives and he doesn't care about anybody. Then we have McManus the crazy ass kicker of the group this guy is down for whatever and he keeps the steel in his hands like Wolverine (Translation: 'He be shooting people') After that there is Fenster played by Benicio Del Toro his dialogue is short and hilarious because of his accent but he gets it in too. The semi-main character Dean Keaton a former dirty cop who has gone clean but is pulled back into the game brings a lot to the story and functions as one of the deeper characters in the movie. Finally there is Verbal Kent played by Kevin Spacey aka Lex Luthor aka my main man Francis J. Underwood. Spacey kills it as the crippled mastermind who is not supposed to be as gangsta as he actually is.

Yeah these guys aren't lovable teddy bears they are pretty intense cut throat guys who are played extremely well. Each one feels different in their own way and yet they are all motivated by their natural instinct to break the law.(Seriously this could have all been avoided) I don't condone crime in any form but these guys make it look......pretty damn scary but in a good way. When they pull off their heists they always get creative with it but never too synchronized which makes it more fun. I hate when plans work out too well in movies these guys plans always have a little twist and even when it goes smooth there is always more to it.
This movie has perfect pacing and does a phenomenal job of raising the stakes. Before I get to that let me continue to gush about how unpredictable this movie is. One scene that really stands out to me is when the crew meet a contact named Redfoot, Dean Keaton pulls him aside and lets him know straight up that he killed one of this guy's friends in prison. In most movies this would have been a whole “Thing” like when you look at a girl's butt but your with your girl and you get caught and have to explain why your eyes are straight up foolish but your heart is in the right place. In most movies it would have gone one of two ways, Keaton would have kept it a secret and they would have found out later or he would have killed the dude and explained it later BUT NO he tells him straight up and they respect each other for it. Instead of it being a gigantic OMG WHY YOU DID THAT TO MY HOMIE!? Type of deal it really just adds to the character of Dean Keaton and just gives you a clue to how much of a Certified Gangsta he is. Little things like that set this film apart from the usual garbage.
The scene where the characters find out who robbed the original truck full of guns from the beginning is subtle but hilarious. Its so perfectly acted that I always like to rewind and watch the different characters reactions. Why? Because in most movies the characters would have been like “Man why you do that man? This is your fault man you suck man” (I imagine everyone talks like this but in a nasally voice) but because they are in so deep and because they all would have done it for the right price and because they have already shed blood and whole lot of bullets for each other its not even a big deal to them. Things like this are why this movie is the real freaking deal.
But wait there's more!

The Action sequences are intense everybody is strapped up with the type of hardware that would make Call of Duty blush. Machine guns, pistols, sniper rifles, bombs oh man this is what I like to see in a movie, well done action with heavy artillery and there are plenty of head shots and blat-blat-blat-blats to go around. Also dual-wielding pistols has never been so realistic these guys hold two guns and don't transform into terminators of mass destruction they actually have to aim both guns and use their shots wisely which is so foreign to most action movies that it makes this movie a few cuts above the rest. Make no mistake dudes are getting blown out of their shoes without clues up in here so take cover when them thangs come out because these guys take no prisoners and it is marvelous. The final action scene is mind blowing. If you have played Grand Theft Auto 3 you might recognize the premise here. A boat full of drugs, an army of heavily armed goons, a guy with a sniper rifle and some fireworks for the party. In the final scene they go all out and bring the story full circle as the viewer is brought back to the first scene and gets to see every emptied clip that brought the (anti)heroes to this point. Trust me bros and sisters this movie brings it in spades there is no slowing down, no boring time wasting conversation, no time for love stories here its all well thought out action and dialogue.

I give this a solid 10 Dual-wielded Pistols out of 10 (Extra points for turning pistols sideways before popping off)

*On a side note I found it very interesting that all of the criminals in this movie are white/european and the only brotha in the movie is a detective. (Played by Giancarlo Esposito aka OG Gus Fring from Breaking Bad)

Go Watch This Movie Now! Or like don't.

Aight Peace,
I'm gonna go play Grand Theft Auto 3 on my iPad because that game rocks and its on iOS now.



Welcome to CAM-R The Most Splendifirus Movie Reviews Blog Ever

Welcome to Critical Ace Movie Reviews (CAM-R)
I'am Ace Michaels The One & Only, The New King of Queens, The Stat Sheet Stuffer Supreme, The All-Seeing Eye, The Silver Surfer in the Sky, The One Who Is Just Too Fly aka Mr.Never Ever Shy aka Mr.Sometimes Sleeveless Most Times Suit & Tie. You get the picture more nicknames coming. I really really really like movies. I like to think that my taste in movies is a bit superior to the average view (Don't judge me) I like movies with action, originality and a good unpredictable plot. I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE enjoy predictable cutesy flutesy happy sappy movies. But I do enjoy ripping those types of movies to shreds. All of the opinions shared on this blog are mine and mine alone if you don't like my opinion please comment and curse me out I like to go back and forth and I like reading other people's opinions. I will always mark for SPOILERS because I hate when a movie is spoiled. If you like my opinions let me know I plan to keep the reviews coming. I love to write and I admire anything creative. I'm going to keep it for the most part clean and safe for work but here is an extreme pro-tip do your work and read my blog later yo. I don't do this for money I do this for the people. I do this so that ya'll won't miss out on all the good movies that are out there and I also will expose the lame ones.  I will take requests too, well let me backtrack on that you can suggest a movie and if it isn't complete slimy wet feces I might review it.